"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
Ernest Hemingway
On this particular day, I was sitting under the big tree in my backyard, enjoying the shade and peacefulness of my place in the country. I was counting my blessings. A soft breeze was blowing across my skin and my eyes closed. I, for some reason, was immediately taken back to my very first home, 50 years ago, to the tiny duplex. . .the only place I ever lived with both my mother and father.
Remember, this was a duplex. My family only lived on one side, the left side, away from the driveway. Two bedrooms, one tiny bathroom and no washer and dryer. . .that was up the street in a laundromat.
My mom and dad slept on the fold out sofa in the living room so my big brother could have one bedroom and my sister and I shared the other bedroom.
Dad left when I was six. My brother had run away from home and then into the Army. It was just my mother, big sister and me. My mother did not receive help raising us, and suffering from depression, it was hard for her. But she kept a job and somehow God smiled down on us and we moved to the big house on the corner, across the street.
I thought we were rich because there was a garage, a third bedroom and an attic. Only rich people had attics and basements I thought. But we did not have a doorbell. That was for the very wealthy.
It wasn't until the men from church came in one time with grocery bags for us that I realized we were not rich, we were poor. I was mad. I was too young to understand but I knew I was mad.
This was the house where my mother began to fall apart. But in those times, she always managed to get my sister and I to the front doors of Sequoyah Hills Baptist Church every Sunday. She drove back home after dropping us off. Jesus was known in my family, but within my house, it was to church and back and prayers at the dinner table and maybe at bedtime. But somehow, in His way, God spoke to my twelve year old heart in that house and I said, "Yes, Jesus, come in." I told my mother in the living room of that house and she and I prayed together. That was the beginning of a new relationship with me and the Lord and at the same time my relationship with my mother was ending. Depression can do awful things. Two years later I was taken to live with my grandmother until the age of 19 when I married.
Nine years later, God whispered in my heart it was time to call my mother. I did. That summer night, 27 years ago, healing happened. She became my best friend that night and still is to this day.
The big house was certainly nothing fancy, although my mother even in her sickness, knew how to decorate with the least of things. She had an eye for details and knew how to sew and put things together. Even though the family was in somewhat of a chaos, she made it a home as best as she could.
My worst memories were in that house and the best decision I ever made was made in that house. God came into that home and rescued me from my sin and from sadness. It was in that big house that I began to learn that I was loved no matter what, and it was the beginning of trusting my Lord and Savior. When I was confused or hurt or lonely, He was there to give me what I needed.
My mother evenutally left the big house and moved elsewhere and it was in that new home of hers that God met her on the bedroom floor and began a healing. You can read about this
here.
When I left the big house on the corner all those years ago, I never wanted to see it again. But years later after becoming a mother myself in Arkansas, I entered Tulsa, Oklahoma one week, and felt I had to see it again. When my husband and I drove up the street heading towards it at the other end, my heart began to race. I prayed as we slowly came closer and evenually stopped in front. I just sat and looked at it for awhile. It seemed so long ago, as it was, but I could still see the little girl inside. But I wasn't sad anymore, for that little girl grew up knowing she was saved and one day would be going to a mansion in the sky.
God is so good to remove the hurts and pains. The memories of the big house are still there, but the pain has been removed. The healing came in and relationships restored.
This is where I became the Kris who was forgiven. This is where I remember starting my prayer life. This is the house I walked away from feeling so alone, not yet realizing just how not alone I was. He walked with me from that house into a new life and I have never been alone since.
As I looked at the big house, I smiled because I had my mother back. The devil had not won. My mother was healed. I was healed. The enemy had been defeated in this one.
"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
Psalm 46:1
He was my refuge and strength as well as my mom's.
Thank you Lord!
"The Lord is good. He is a stronghold in the day of trouble"
Nahum 1:7
Thank you Lord for being our stronghold in those days!
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them, and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake you.
Isaiah 42:16
Thank you Lord for turning our darkness into light and making the rough places smooth. Thank you for never forsaking us!
"The greater the trial, the sweeter the victory"
George Muller
Thank you Lord from my mom and I both for sweet victories!
Because He bled for me, I bleed no more.
I share now with only praise and giving glory to God!
That day I visited the house, I left with a peace and a still heart. God was with me and I know one day I will be in a big house in my new place when the Lord calls me home.
You can visit the past, but don't stay there.
Remember, leave behind the bad, take the good, learn and move forward.
Jesus came to me in the big house.
We visited it once more.
I remembered.
I praised Him.
We drove away.
E.E. Cummings is known to have said,
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
I say it takes faith in God to lead you where you need to go,
to become the person He created you to be,
and to step forward each day being who you are. . .
a child of God.
Back in my own back yard this day, I opened my eyes to see my own home I share with my husband and son. God moved to Kentucky with me and I was holding His hand all the way because courage flows from that arm of His right into me. . .right into you.
Do you need courage to become who you really are? Take His righteous right hand and step forward in faith. He will lead the way.
"Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ and go out into the irresistible future with Him"
Oswald Chambers
The big house on the corner is far away now, in miles and in the mind.
I look forward to the day I go to my real home. I don't know if there will be attics, basements, or doorbells. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I will be with Him, my Savior, my Heavenly Father, the keeper of the big house . . .His kingdom. And all will be well.
Continuing the count. . .
1241. refuge in HIM
1242. strength from HIM
1243. a stronghold in the days of trouble
1244. experiencing the smoothness after the roughness
1245. victories
1246. able to leave the past at the bosom of Christ
1247. my beautiful mother (inside and out)
Have you learned from things past?
Have you left the past at the bosom of Christ?
Are you letting God lead you where you need to go, to become who He made you to be?
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