I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." -- Flannery O'Connor
When I first read this quote I thought it was funny, but then I pondered. . .hhmmm. . . there is some truth to that.
I wanted the best for my son. . .don't all we mothers want that?
I loved him, played with him, taught him SO many things. I wanted him to have a strong foundation, strong in the Lord, so that when he didn't need me anymore, when he was out in the cold world, he could stand strong and not be blown this way and that.
I cradled him.
I cared for him.
I sang lullabyes and children's songs to him.
I taught him reading, writing, and arithmetic.
I taught him the piano,
I taught him manners.
I taught him about praying.
I taught him about the Lord.
I tried to be a good example.
And then he was gone. Out the door into the dark. He's not back yet. Twenty-five years old and he is gone.
I hear and read where mothers get that wonderful acclamation of 'You did such a great job!' regarding their child rearing. I thought I had done such a good job with him. It didn't seem like a job though. It felt like a privilege to be his mother. I thanked God every day for him and just wanted to do the best I could and enjoy this precious one. I did...on both counts. But I don't hear those words.
I came to realize that I had to lay down expectations. I had to lay down my son into the Lord's hands. I had to give him back to the One who gave him to me. I give him back Lord. I did the best I could. I pray that you will allow me the privilege once again to enjoy my son. I will wait for Your timing.
I should not need to hear certain words from others, although I've been blessed with a wonderful husband who has blessed me with words. Oh yes, and my mother. . .bless he heart, she blesses me with her words also. Some days that is enough and some days it is not. That is when I go to my Lord who knows what I've done. He saw into the windows of our home, into our lives, into my heart.
This sounds so vain. I do not mean for it to. And this has nothing to do with pride. When you love someone SO much and you've put your all into them and they leave and hurt stabs the heart. . . .sometimes this body of flesh just needs to hear, and to bleed.
And then my eyes fall onto my other son. He is still here, living faithfully, living with imperfect me, kidding and joking and loving with me. He walks up behind me and lifts me up off the floor and hugs me. I say, "I love you" and I hear back, "Love you too mom". Soothing balm to a heart that still hurts.
And with my eyes closed as my #2 son hugs me and I picture my other precious one in my mind and all the hugs I had received from him in another life time, I hear those words from the One who gives me breath. . ."You did such a great job!"
Aahhh, the gift of love, encouragement, healing, and promises.
I am so thankful to be sandwiched in between His hope and His promises. I love and miss my sweet one very much but I know God has His eye is on my blue-eyed sparrow and I know He watches over him.
NOTE: I realize there were a lot of I's at the top. I realize that I did none of that without my husband and without the Lord. I did nothing on my own. My blog here is a place for me to feel safe to just let my words fall out. I can do nothing apart from Him and that is well known. Just didn't want this to come across the wrong way with all those I's ;)
(to the readers. . .I ask for no comments on this post as I am not looking for words of affirmations or encouragements. I have received them from my Lord and I want that to be all I need. As you bloggers know, sometimes we just need to write it out. But you can let me know you were here by leaving me a heart or a smile. I would love to know who came by to visit. If it won't take, you can leave it on my facebook page. Thank you)